Saturday, April 2, 2011

When She Was Bad

Episode #1: When She Was Bad

"I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract them.

Woah, it's been about 10 years since I last updated this blog! In my defense, I had two visitors from home, midterms, spring break WOOO!, and other things contending for my time. Other things meaning this paradox:
1. I read a book called Reality Bites Back, in which author Jennifer Pozner tells us that reality TV is literally the worst thing that has ever happened in the entire world ever IN HISTORY and that Tyr(ant) Banks is a tyrant who poisons our brains.
2. I then watched two entire seasons cycles of America's Next Top Model in one week.

In all seriousness, though, I am QUITE excited to review season 2, as it is by far my favorite season of Buffy. My fingers are twitching just thinking about all the juicy episodes to come!

So where did we leave off? Master's skeleton in the library, yadda yadda, Spring Fling, Buffy died, etc. Summer break happened offscreen, leaving us in those dark final days of vacation. What have the Scoobies been up to? Xander and Willow are strollin' along past the graveyard without a care in the world, ice cream cones in hand, no Buffy Bodyguard in sight! It seems that The Master's death made all the vamps and demons flee (along with Buffy, who went to stay with her dad in LA), so things have been awfully boring. To combat the boring, the two make kissy faces at each other and lean in for...and you're at home like...please let this be a dream sequence...and then it isn't...and they're about to kiss and it's like...

Thank GOD a demon turns up to interrupt their fun. Cue Buffy's big entrance--she got a cute new haircut! "Miss me?" she says. Oh Buffy, you've no idea.

It's the first day of school, and Cordelia is perturbed, Principal Snyder is adorable, Giles has grown a pompadour, Jenny Calendar is just back from Burning Man--you know. Business as usual.

But something's wrong with Buffy. Papa Summers tells Joyce that she was distant and lifeless all summer, and she's all too eager train her heart out to a goofy 80s montage. Worst of all, she's having Master flashbacks and nightmares and hallucinations, oh my! Get it together, Buffy! The Master's dead!

In his place, we have a Southern preacher-type vamp extolling the virtues of a new Big Bad, revealed to be...The Anointed One. Okay, seriously? Does anybody understand what purpose this kid serves? That is, besides sitting underground and making smug faces?

[Joss Whedon still hasn't decided how best to kill off my character.]

Angel's grand entrance into the season involves breaking into Buffy's bedroom while she dreams of Giles choking her to death. Kinky! Buffy's being a little bratty, constantly reminding Angel that he's a vampire! Like, "Hey Angel, isn't it lunchtime? Did'ya barbecue any of my family members while I was gone?" Angel responds, pathetically, "I missed you." Aww, how romantic!

Watch out in this next scene for a QUINTESSENTIAL Buffy moment, the moment for which I will always remember this episode:

Xander: Oh hey! Did you guys hear that Cibo Matto is gonna be at The Bronze tonight?

Anecdote: Every time I go to a record store now, I look for a Cibo Matto record, turn to the nearest person and say, "Did you hear that Cibo Matto is playing at The Bronze tonight???" In the right company, this trick can be used with any band, e.g. if the conversation turns to "I'm Too Sexy," say, "Hey, did you guys hear that Right Said Fred is gonna be at The Bronze tonight?!?!"

[Did you guys hear that Michelle Branch is gonna be at The Bronze tonight?]

Around the time that Buffy tells Cordelia, who is still shaken up by prom night with The Master, that she's a "moron," you might be thinking, "Buffy's being a little too mean." Let's just hope that no hyenas are involved in this.

The Anointed One leaves his underground lair for the first time ever to order all the vampires to dig up The Master's bones. One poor actor is forced to dig through the dirt with his hands, look shocked when they start burning, and shout, "The ground! It is consecrated!" Little John Cusack so totally does not even care.
[It is consecrated!!!]

OMG!!!!!! The gang go to The Bronze, and CIBO MATTO IS PLAYING!!!!!!!!

Buffy shows up and she's ready for some fun, y'know what I'm saying? She sasses Angel again, leaving me to wonder if I missed the episode before this one where Angel tried to set Buffy on fire or something.

But who cares about Angel? Buffy invites XANDER out onto the floor to do a little sexy dance. "Sugar Water" by Cibo Matto is playing (at The Bronze tonight), and it keeps on playing, and they keep on dancing FOREVER, like they never EVER stop rubbing up against each other, it goes on for BILLIONS OF YEARS as Willow (and Rose) look on in horror. Then Buffy whispers sensually:

Buffy: Did I ever thank you for saving my life?
Xander: No...
Buffy: Don't you wish I would?

And she slinks away.

Cordelia tries to intervene and tell Buffy that she has a "Joan Collins tude," but Buffy is like so totally not having any of it, and doesn't even notice when a group of vampires kidnap her! They throw her into a dungeon with Jenny Calendar--not even the fun kind!

The Scoobies try to figure out what's wrong with Buffy ("She's possessed!") when Buffy walks in (awkward) and just so totally does not even care. You see, she found The Master's open grave and is none too pleased. Right around the time she tells Willow to shut up because she's just a civilian, Snyder finds them using his Spidey sense and breaks up all their fun <3 <3 <3 <3

Snyder: There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: Actually, that would be one of the five.

Angel follows Buffy to The Bronze, where she's gonna foil the big resurrection. "You know, being stalked isn't really a big turn on," she tells him. I kinda like the new Buffy! But it's all a trap--while she's at The Bronze, vamps come and kidnap all the Scoobies because they need all of the people who were with The Master when he died or something, yeah. Only Xander was spared, and he's PISSED and just so totally like does not care about Buffy's issues right now. "If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you!" he says. lol ok xander! Why don't you try!

So Little John Cusack dangles everyone over The Master's bones.

Yep, pretty much.

Buffy shows up and goes all nuts on everyone, and then smashes the skeleton into itty bitty flecks of Master dust. This sudden outburst brings forth all of those emotions she was hiding underneath her so totally not caring about anything act, and she cries and cries while the Scoobies watch from a distance and comment, "She's working out her issues." Angel comes and gives her a big 'ol hug while the sad theme plays. I should point out here that Sarah Michelle Gellar is a really really good actress, and were she not, the show would not be able to pull off any of this silliness. And yet, it does!

But will Xander and Willow forgive her? They sit together in class, make some awkward faces, and then joke around as if to say that it's all better, no worries Buffy! "I heard a rumor that Mr. Cox is the most boring teacher in the world!" Xander says. Wow, pretty juicy Xander! Then the camera circles around the three of them as their dialogue is drowned out by the most unbelievably cheesy health class film type music of all time. I am serious. There is no way that I can possibly demonstrate the cheesiness. It goes on for like, a full minute. Then the credits roll: Written and directed by Joss Whedon. Really? Couldn't tell.

Favorite moment: Did you guys hear that Arcade Fire is gonna be at The Bronze tonight?

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